Who would have thought I’d be sat here waiting for surgery after just a meeting and buying a loaf in M&S…. I don’t know why these situations I end up in surprise me any more…genuinely sometimes feel like I’m in a constant audition for Bridget Jones minus the two hot men fighting over me. Damn.
So let’s get straight to the point. Ankle ops aren’t brain surgery, it’s not gonna be pretty and I’m gonna be in a hell of a lot of pain but I’ll survive and it will only help me get closer to wearing a pair of heels again (what even are they?) and banish the terminator style foot boot to the fancy dress only!
So even though I know this op won’t kill me (hopefully ) now I have MS there are other risks. Also, the last time I did have an operation (the spine one – read about it here – When the girl who never got sick, got sick. ) I woke up, lost my sight, got diagnosed with MS and my life changed for pretty much ever.
So, whilst everyone around me, can tell me they think I’ll be ok…it’s still a pretty real fear that my body may not play ball today. You see, with my MS, when my body is under stress and my immune system kicks in, there’s a chance it may start to attack my brain, rather than protect the part of my body that needs it. And truth is, no body can predict what it will do, until it happens. There’s no medicine I can take to stop it happening. And if truth be told, if something does happen…my sight goes…my legs don’t work etc etc then there isn’t really anything I can do to fix it either. I’ve had to have neurology checks this morning and the thumbs up from the neurologist that I can even have surgery. Another MS reality hitting home today I think.
So yup, I’m focusing on being positive but my last experience of an op, wasn’t very nice, so today all of those feeling have climbed their way out of the box with the lid I usual keep shut, and are standing on my shoulders screaming down each ear.
MS can be quite an isolating disease when situations like this creep up on you. I do my good old “I’m fine/I’ll be fine/Everything is fine” script quite well now, but sitting here now on my own, all ready for theatre, I feel really anxious and scared. It takes a lot for me to admit that, as my close side kicks will know, but today it hit me again that I am never going to be able to get better. I hate wallowing and never ever moan about it, but really wish there was a cure for this disease. Anyway, feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to help anyone is it, so instead I’m sat here also thinking, what else can I do? How else can little ol’ me help change that. (Ideas on a postcard please).
Anyhow, this is my reality now, and could be the reality for many more people diagnosed with MS. So, I’m doing my best to just focus on the ridiculously expensive high heels I’m going to buy myself as a reward, and the fact it’s been 7hrs 13min and 27seconds since I last tasted food (think I’ll survive, just), and importantly try and forget all of the scary stuff.
This stupid horrible disease has changed everything, but I refuse to ever ever let it change ME, and as always focus on the positives. And more importantly pray at least one of the doctors resembles George Clooney (in his good years) and someone delivers me some Sui Mai or cake sharpish once I’m through the other side….
Thanks to everyone for their lovely messages and calls today, means the world.