It took a lot of thinking before I launched this blog. I was really worried about baring my innermost thoughts into the world wide web. I didn’t want people to treat me differently or feel sorry for me. I honestly feel very lucky in comparison to what others have to go through. When I went to bed on Sunday night, I still wasn’t sure if I would wake up with the guts to post it. I had a strange ending to the weekend and was feeling a bit “blurghhhh” and not as positive as I normally do. That’s life I suppose. But I sort of started doubting myself. “What difference can you make eh?!” “What’s even the point?!”. See I am human and not positive and chirpy all the time.
I still wasn’t sure the next morning. I was sat in front of my laptop staring into space and when I hit post on the first blog and then added the link on facebook, I was sat there with butterflies in my stomach, thinking “Ohhhhhhhh Rachel WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!”….
I then started planning a disguise and researching an impromptu emigration to China.
Then much to my surprise people started commenting with the most loveliest messages.
Then people started sharing the post. 100, 200, 300….a 1000!!!!
Then my emails started pinging and phone started ringing.
THEN the realisation that I had just shared a page of my diary with the world became real.
So I rang my best friend having a dramatic slight panic attack “Ok, have I done the right thing here?”…and her words to me were , “Rachel when you rang me and told me they had diagnosed you with MS, I was heartbroken and crying, but I knew, I absolutely bloody knew, you would do this one day, and turn it round to help other people…now stop being a divvy, cancel your flight to Shanghai and get your sh*t together!”
Nothing like someone you love putting you in your place is there.
I’ve been approached by newspapers wanting to cover the launch of my blog and my journey, a radio station has shown interest in me going on one of their shows, I’m in talks about going to speak at Liverpool University on their Health Degrees, the blog was even discussed in Edge Hill University on Wednesday during a lecture (!!!), and I may have the chance to become a guest blogger / writer for the MS society!
Not to even mention all the people I have been able to connect to with MS all over the world and all the people who may now understand what MS is about, that little bit more. I’m so humbled by people taking the time out of their day to read and comment. Even people I haven’t seen for twenty years or have ever met. You are all such a lovely bunch.
So, anyway all that waffle was to tell you, that it was definitely worth it. Fear holds us back from so much, I never want to be someone who is held back by the “what if’s” even more so now, sometimes we just need to have the balls to man up and go for it.
So I just wanted to use this 5th blog to recap on some of the things I have learnt so far on my little journey with MS….this isn’t an exhaustive list, be warned.
1. You will not die the first night after your diagnosis, nor the second, even the third. As time goes on, you will also start to feel less afraid that you are going to die and will stop planning on what kind of buffet you want and which selfies you will allow to be shown, at your funeral.
2. If you couldn’t dance like Beyoncé yesterday, and still can’t after your MS diagnosis. It is not MS’s fault. However easy it may be to blame it on the MS. You just have to accept you’re a crap dancer and maybe take up knitting (true story).
3. If someone asks you when you’re going to need a wheelchair, or if you are going to give up work to rest, then throw the nearest large object at them. Firstly it is none of their business. Secondly, just because they have asked you, it doesn’t mean it is going to happen. Thirdly, put it right back on their toes and ask them when they think they will be in a wheelchair, its great watching them squirm trying to answer that one.
4. You are still the same person. You may feel like you are now walking round with a “I’M DISABLED, LOOK AT ME HELLLLYYYYYYOOOOO” sticker on your head. But you aren’t. And I believe you have two options, either become:
a) the girl with MS called Rachel
b) A girl called Rachel, who loves life, crime novels, taking pictures and walking in the countryside with a pack of pork pies, who is a bit clumsy, 5 minutes late for everything and will always be the last to pick what they want off the menu (food envy issues) also when drunk thinks she can rap ‘Sugar Hill gang’ style and slut drop like an extra off dirty dancing. Oh and she also has MS.
5. If you are single, it does not mean you won’t have the happily ever after you have always dreamed about and meet your knight in shining armour. This is probably more due to the fact that you rap when drunk in public. Don’t lose hope that there is a nice genuine guy, who will accept you for who you are, warts n all. If they don’t, then they were never right. Kick em to the kerb, and get yourself back out there.
6. If you are currently awaiting a brain scan and a bit apprehensive over the results, then do not go and join a book club for the first time in your life on a whim, then overthink and believe God is sending you a sign, when the first book that’s been sent for you to read is called ‘As I Lay dying” by William Faulker . Keep telling yourself it is not a sign, over.and.over.again. J
Thanks for reading again you lovely people,
Have a great weekend, I know I will!