Well I am alive. My operation went well, but a few complications afterwards meant I overstayed my hospital visit and my surgeon now refers to me as “trouble”. But whats new eh? I’m not gonna write this blog with my normal rose tinted glasses on, because I need to be honest. It’s been a pretty damn shitty couple of weeks.
I wrote the blog below last week, on a day when the word “positive” sounded Chinese and I felt like smiling was a thing of the past…and believe it or not, I was never going to post it. “You can’t be all negative and a sad sack Rach…who wants to read that?” And up until last night, I was still standing by that.
Then I was talking to my one of my friends and this person told me (again) that being all strong and positive all time time is fine, but it’s also fine to admit when you’re not feeling ok….These are the kinda people you definitely need in your life. Believe me.
So here’s last weeks post…just a week late because I’m a wimp….
I try and be positive and I try and have a brave face on all the time, but today I am not feeling either and instead of just hiding away and not actually addressing it I’ve decided to do something I haven’t done before, and that’s Blog about it. (I honestly believed for 15mins I’d have no trouble posting this…who was I kidding eh!).
It takes a special kind of person and a very weak moment for me to admit I’m struggling, and today talking to one of my nearest and dearest I let the mask slip. If like me, you have amazing friends, then you will know that all it takes is for you to say one thing “off script” and they can tell something is up. This particular pal told me to stop thinking I had to “pretend I was ok” and told me that I’m allowed to have fear and the odd bit of self pity and they aren’t weaknesses. This friend then said that I’m the only person who makes a cracking poached egg so can I hurry up and get better as it’s just getting a bit selfish 😂 and then came round and cleaned my fridge! These are the best kinda friends. Thanks P.
I find it scary admitting I’m fed up and really guilty for moaning about things. I have drummed into myself to stay positive so much the last couple of years, that sometimes I don’t honour my actual true feelings. I have this fear of burdening people, or people thinking I’m “feeling sorry for myself” and ultimately it comes down to the fact I think showing this vulnerability is a weakness. Wow, I think I’ve just leather-chaired-psychologised-my-actual-self! Well anyway, I need to buck my ideas up and admit that it isn’t. And actually blog about this, so that if you are reading all my blogs, thinking “wow she is just so strong and positive all the time” that you also know that I have really shit moments and days too, and today is one them. And those days are allowed. (now and again)….
Today I feel really lonely. Really sick. In pain. And really frustrated that this is my life.
I feel sad, really sad.
And talking to people and pretending I’m ok today has been such an effort it’s been draining.
I’m fed up of talking about being sick, being sick, taking drugs, going to see doctors who can’t make you better, having a zillion appointments a week that don’t cure you, and a body that just freestyles doing it’s own thing leaving me more sick and more depending on equipment and medicine and people!
I’m angry that I’ve lost my independence again (albeit hopefully briefly) but still it sucks. I’m scared of the results of another brain scan I’ve been told I need today. I’m angry that I am sat here at 33 not married with no kids and in no fit state to date unless it’s a fast track application onto the undateables.
I’m pissed off that sometimes I play down what I’m going through so much, that it means that some people also play it down and talk to me like I’m moaning about a cold.
I’m disappointed that people who say they are your friends, don’t really act like they are and put any effort into showing they care, when the chips are really down.
I’m scared that as I get older, I’ll just get more sick and be on my own. I’m feeling sad that around me peoples lives are moving forwards and mine seems to not have a clue where it’s going.
This sudden lack of independence makes me even more shit scared when I see people in wheelchairs or with walking sticks and then find out they have MS.
So yeah, the majority of the time I’m positive and strong. But on this particular day I actually did lay there and wonder “why me?”…why is my life like this? It’s not how I planned it when I was a kid, when you think that becoming a grown up with a family and all those responsible things just happens so easily.
But I’m also human, and I’m sharing this, not for sympathy or to make anyone worry that I’ve suddenly become a manic depressive (I haven’t!)…but because I want people who may also be dealing with a shitty time (MS or not) to know it’s ok to have days like this. Honouring and giving these feelings some credit actually helped me feel a bit better. And yeah I hate showing vulnerability so actually writing all of this and then posting it, allowing literally anyone to read it, is as far out of my comfort zone as it gets. But if I wrote anything else, I’d be only filtering the truth…and I’ll save them filters for a cracking bunny ear Snapchat pic eh.
This last week has been horrendous, surgery on its own would have been bad enough, but my body just decided to not play ball and I’ve ended up being pretty sick and have now come out of hospital being dependent on equipment for certain parts of my body to work and having to have nurses come into my house.
I’ve been back and forwards to the hospital and it doesn’t feel real that this is my “norm”. I’m sure I’ll be feeling stronger and more myself tomorrow, but if I can take anything from today, is that’s it ok to be angry and fed up about your situation, if you need to cry, scream and wallow for a bit, then do it. You are allowed, and it isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s being human.
Of course, I would have preferred not to have been dealt these cards, and even though I can’t do anything about it, I can still have a wobble and a mini meltdown about how real it is.
So there we go…that’s how I’ve been feeling. When people close to me read this, they may wonder why I don’t tell them all of the above when they ask me “how are you?”…but I’m not there yet 🤣 it’s easier to not answer the phone and avoid face to face contact (god I’m coming across as such a wuss in this aren’t i!!)
But I don’t want to end this on a negative…these past few weeks my fabulous mum, dad, my sister Hayley (aka superwoman), my gorgeous little Ruby who takes everything in her stride and makes me the proudest Aunty ever and my amazing “inner circle” friends (you all know who you are…Nat Hayl & Em + many more…Espesh my little adventure gang, planning my escape in a wheelbarrow 😉😘) who have all helped me without even asking, been next to my hospital bed helping me “be human”, cheering me up without an invite and have made me realise how lucky I am… again.
Even friends who I don’t see all the time have showed me how much they care and it honestly makes me all warm and fuzzy inside when lovely people are just so lovely (look I’m back to being cheesy already!! Yeyyyyy)…
So I’m going to end with a WhatsApp I received from a lovely friend (when she seen the pic of me from my last post) who I’ve known for years but don’t get the pleasure of seeing all of the time,….because it came when I needed to read it most and well I think it was a fabulous bloody message and deserves some credit….thanks LG aka LB 😘
“Rach first of all … happy new year! Just read your blog, weird to say lovely little read coz of what your writing about but it strangely is coz I feel like I’m reading the blog of a professional writer / comedian / life coach all round postitive lovely person … which is you! ✨ Just seen ur status update, glad to hear the foot thing went well, not so glad to hear the MS stuff. A few observations for u;
1. Filter or no filter if that is u looking shit i need to have a word with my version of looking good and tell it to up it’s game coz they ain’t too far apart 🙈
2. How have u managed to make your dressing gown look like an on trend leather jacket with pinched shoulders? Seriously, I did a double take 😎
3. Your messy bun is looking like the ones most girls google and try to copy 💁🏼
4. I’m still convinced your gonna meet some sort of fit doctor / physio and he’ll sweep you off your foot (none plural, see what I did there 😉) just like what happens to that girl from our school. This hospital stay might be that very one where he will be on shift and it a happens 👨🏽⚕🍆😛❤
5. You are probably the most positive, up lifting and inspiring person I know at the moment! MS could stand for Miserable Shit coz I reckon that’s what I’d be, and a lot of people are who are dealing with it. But no, your version of MS is Making Something, of yourself, the situation you’ve been faced with, of awareness of this bloody illness. You don’t need me to tell u how amazing u are but I will … your amazing Rachel Sinclair! Keep up the awareness, the fight, the refusal to be beaten Rach coz, well … you’re just bloody boss!
Will see you when that foot is better and your out and about causing havoc again 😘😘😘”
Thanks for reading as always,
Love Rach xxx